You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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