Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
