i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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