thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
