Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
