His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
