watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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