I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
