if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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