Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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