Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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