My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
