the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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