Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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