Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
