I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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