no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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