Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
