im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
