i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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