apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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