It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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