1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
