He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
