Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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