got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
