i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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