theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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