Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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