??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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