Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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