I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
