going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
