So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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