we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
