Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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