I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize