His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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