My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
