This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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