I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
