my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
handjob tips. give me some.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
