i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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