Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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