Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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