well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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