My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
