I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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