i just had sex bonerless
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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