In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
