just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
