I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
