Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
