i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have feelings that need drinking.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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