On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
