You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
we're so committed to being not committed
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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