whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
