you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
