I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
